It is perfect.
I need nothing else.
No-one else.
Reading Osho, listening to Nitin Sawhney "Homeland. Smooth check in. The airport was full of kind people from the cleaner to the security lady from the girls at the check in desk to the handsome Pedro from Mauritius, who I flirted with easily. I felt like the most beautiful woman. I was the most beautiful me. I smiled with ease and grace and said goodbye...
I just slowed down. Way down and I felt content.
Effortless steps....effortless journey....raindrop on a rose petal....I am a star in a million. Bright. Small. Pretty.Distant, yet close enough for you to reach me.
Effortless steps....effortless journey....raindrop on a rose petal....I am a star in a million. Bright. Small. Pretty.Distant, yet close enough for you to reach me.
5.23 am in the UK.
9.23am in Dubai.
12.23pm in Bangkok.
Arriving to Dubai felt like entering another "sacred gate". On the way we flew right above my home town. I was closer to home than I thought I would ever be. The sky trembled. I smiled....I guess it is a reminder from the gods that I am safe. I am home....The energy hit me.
Dubai waiting lounge with a hundred Thai people. Between flights. Listening to Vivaldi "Four Seasons". Watching people. Thai people are beautiful. I felt instantly connected to their authenticity.
Dubai waiting lounge with a hundred Thai people. Between flights. Listening to Vivaldi "Four Seasons". Watching people. Thai people are beautiful. I felt instantly connected to their authenticity.
And my mind just jumped into another world. I miss Rufus and the boys. I miss them every day. Thousand times. And more! I consciously force myself to not practice sadness and practice and embrace "change". There is a rush of unconditional love.....Sometimes is is easy to love the whole world, but takes courage to love one person.
I have been slightly closed up to people. But it feels right. The thought that I do not know where I will be staying tonight slightly scares me. Where to stay? In Bangkok? Should I go to Krabi? Where is Krabi? How far? When you have little money you get more scared. But then....."What is the worst that could happen?"
For a person who likes plans (ok, I admit I became control freak over the years) this approach felt more comfortable....I haven't done any research about Thailand. I wanted to experience it, feel it, see it, live with fresh eyes and open soul. No expectations.
As I was thinking about my journey and life, I wondered: If we don't have a plan or goal in life does that mean that we are wasting opportunities and just wondering around, missing out.....OR we are free to do whatever comes in our way?
What if nothing comes? Or what if what comes is not what we want?
I had a lot of questions and most of them have been answered in the last few days. Lost some of my old habits. They are not coming back:) And if they do, I will accept them, embraced them and asked them to get the f..k out of my system:)
Learned about real friendship....and danced! Oh, I love dancing.....just me and the music....I become the music. Every beat and rhythm!
Nick asked me a few days ago: "Why do I feel the need to be so open in my blog?" He wasn't judging me. He was open to listen to my answer. That made me at ease and allowed me to really think about the question without defending myself.
He continued: " Some people think it is a weakness and some consider it strength". At this point all I knew, that for me it feels just right and natural and I don't feel the need to analyse it further. The reasons behind it are pointless. What people think isn't important either. The only responsibility I have is to be true to myslef and do what feels right in the moment.....
Hence I have been quiet for a while. Had a lot of beautiful moments in the last few days. Real gifts....but I didn't feel the need to share them.....they were mine....as this is mine too.....
I just called my mom.
She is afraid.
I am out of a safety cage and I am in a new one:)
Yet I feel safer than I have ever been before.
I am not afraid of the unknown....I am going for it with all my heart.......and when I tremble I get a gift from Osho....just when I am about to get scared he says to me:
" Love is very rare.To meet a person at his centre is to pass through a revolution, because if you want to meet a person at his centre you will have to allow that person to reach your centre. You will have to become vulnerable, absolutely vulnerable, open......The love orientated person is not afraid of the future....don't be bothered about the results. That is the fear orientated mind. Don't think about what will happen. Just be here and act totally. Don't calculate. A fear orientated man is always calculating, planning, arranging, safeguarding. His whole life is lost this way.
Love can only happen when there is no fear. When you are not afraid there is nothing to hide...."
Photos from the Grand Temple...My unknown friend Gigi and his gifts...Massage and eating bugs....12 hour joyful bus-ride and Thai traditions.....Loving life as it is....Because the past is not in the present....We only have what is here with us right now! Don't be afraid of letting go!
