DAY 1/30

17th February 2011, Liverpool

1.37 am

I am excited about what today brings!

I had some plans on how I would like to "structure" each day. Than after hours of struggle,hundreds of words that are nothing else but signpost,  I gave up and LET GO of how things should be!

Yes, I'd love to (and I will) share techniques,books, music, meditations, people and stories that I have been absorbing in the last few months when my heart collapsed and I felt lost....

But what is the point? Right now I have to listen to my heart and body and so do you! Just listen to what feels right! The message is so clear if you listen carefully!

How can we enjoy the journey of NOW, if all we are doing in the present is planning the next steps in the future? 

This IS the journey...and I cannot wait to wake up in the morning and start living it...until than I will be the dream! x

Around lunch time:

I few weeks ago I asked my mother to describe me in 3 words when I was 5, 10, 15, 20 and 25 years old. Than I asked her the question for which I did not want to hear the answer. "Mum! How would you describe me now that I am getting closer to 30?" Her words crushed me, not only because they were true, but because I felt like I failed...

She said I was LOST, BROKEN, BURNT OUT! 

I knew I had 30 days to change that! To accept it and slowly move on.  Each day is a journey with challenges and blessings. Right now I am still pretty low and vulnerable without direction! So all I can do is not force things and take a leap into the unknown...And LOOK what I have found...

Smaller Earth Office 

17.25

Just reared the lines above....ha ha...Structure structure structure and contradictions....Why do we do that? Surround ourselves with walls? Same routines day after day, so we can feel safe. From what? The amazing unknown?  I don't want to feel safe. Right now I just want to be at the bottom of the ocean where is darkness.....and I want to find the pearls....I want to look for them, search with fear and excitement not knowing what I find....

I want to be a child again! I feel like growing up too fast. I just want to be silly and STOP putting pressure on myself! I want to run with arms wide open against the wind. I want to make no sense( i think I am scoring high on that right now:)

If you feel the same, stop now! No more lists, no more goals! Just BE for a while, cause this IS it!

Today I met another amazing woman through Kim Laycock! 

She was one of today's gifts. She was there all this time, but I was only ready to open "her" now.  Her exhibition is called " OPEN to CHANGE". How very fitting.

I smiled and opened the door to someone's journey... "Mmmm....Others are searching too :) "

SIGNS...
BE PROUD!

There is a palm tree in the "Open to Change" exhibition with stones underneath it from "Buddha Land, Lake Districts". Each stone has a word on it. I closed my eyes and I chose one: FREEDOM.

I wanted to pick another one, so I closed my eyes again : PROUD. 

Than I wanted another one, so I asked Kim to pick one for me! 

She closed her eyes and picked one: PROUD! And another one: PROUD!!! Again:)

Hundreds of stones to choose from, yet my word was obvious. The sign was very clear: PROUD!

Be proud of who you are!

Be proud of you soul!

Be proud of your mind and body!

Not over confident, not arrogant, just healthily proud!

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:

Thank you Joe Green for sharing your story about your charity cycle trip in Goa and Vietnam! Thank you for lending me your camera and for sharing your music and for transferring my stuff. Thank you for making today's small challenges into effortless blessings.

Thank you Mike Peters for making my hot water!

Thank you for Naomi "Splash" Turner for reminding me of that summer camp. I think i would love to go there!

Thank you Jo Heuston for the pen drive!

Thank you for Sandi for filming what meant to be a 5 minutes video and ended up 46 minutes.

Thank you Kim Ryan for listening and sharing! Thank you for the  knowledge and acceptance...Thank you for making me smile...

Thank you Kim Laycock for introducing me to such wonderful souls....Thank you for wanting to take me to Buddha Land!

Thank you for just being there and listening!

Ps. I woke up disturbed! Did 2 meditations! My heart was heavy! I booked my flight to Thailand! Finished most paperwork! The days is almost over. It is full moon shortly and right now i am happy. I am doing exactly what I want. Life is funny! Nothing can be so bad that we cannot laugh!

What are your blessings today?

OPEN TO CHANGE
This exhibition is the result of some hard work and determination in a quest to live a happier life! Its content has been created by members of Mary Seacole House, a multi-cultural mental health day center based in Liverpool.

Guided and inspired by Kim Ryan, an artists and holistic therapist, the group began a creative journey through various activities using methods and techniques specifically designed to help change the mindset, such as art, aromatherapy, meditation, crafts, creative writing and photography....

Many of the group overcame their mental obstacles and issues, feelings they carried with them all day, every day such as" I can't, I can't be bothered, I am not good enough, I have nothing to say....and went on to create the work you see on the expedition...